These days I just giggle to myself when people still carry the notion that folks with autism aren’t socially connected or lack empathy. Some of the most sensitive and socially observant people I know are on the autism spectrum. This video is made by a guy with autism explaining to neurotypicals why we just might be the oddballs. Spot. On.
SEAL Team 6 veteran comes out as transgender
June 4, 2013
Ayla Holdom In Her Own Words
June 3, 2013
Great article here by Ayla Holdom reflecting on ways the media needs to be more thoughtful when presenting transgender issues. I am so pleased to see more and more articles in “mainstream” media being written BY rather than ABOUT folks who are trans. Makes me hopeful for what is yet to come.
“Fat Talk” Compels But Carries a Cost
May 28, 2013
A great post about the harm of fat talk.: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/05/27/fat-talk-compels-but-carries-a-cost/?smid=pl-share
Why oh why is it considered being a good friend to put yourself down in order to help your friend feel better? That’s like a friend saying she is thirsty so you help by pouring your glass of water on the ground. People – we can and must do better – out of respect for ourselves and for others.
My only critique of this great post is in response to the following:
Dr. Corning said that to break the cycle, a person shouldn’t engage. But particularly for younger women, it’s hard to say something like, “Hey, no negative self-talk!” or “Why do we put ourselves down?” Instead, for adolescents, she suggested, “Keep it light; it’s not a moment for major social activism. Teenagers can change the topic. They do it all the time.”
Yeah, it is hard. LOTS of things about being a teenager is hard. LOTS of things about being a grown up is hard. Let’s respect the young women in our lives enough to help them learn effective communication skills while they are young. It only gets harder to voice our truth as we get older if she haven’t started building the habit while we were young.
“Why do we put ourselves down?” is a great response. Or perhaps, “I think you look freaking fabulous. Those jeans are missing out.” :)
I just read a beautiful post from Finding Ninee about the beauty that comes from seeing things as they are rather than letting our expectations and desires filtering us to only see what is not. To pick out any excerpt would deprive you of enjoying the whole thing.
Failure: The Key To Success!
May 22, 2013
“It is impossible to innovate without taking risks, and the fact that Google is more successful than most of its rivals is directly related to its willingness to take chances.”
Read full article on Google’s business strategy of failure here.
Emotions on Vacation
May 21, 2013
Flight Risk
Much to the endless amusement of my sister, I am afraid of flying. It’s gotten a lot better over the years but on a recent flight I was more nervous than I have been in a long time. Before we pushed back from the gate I kept hearing the wings make a jarring mechanical sound followed by an alarm sound. Over and over. And over. I did what I needed to do to keep myself from jumping out of my seat and running out the door. Eventually I was able to convince myself that the pilots had figured out whatever was triggering the alarm sound. No more alarm and we were ready to push back. But then just as we were getting ready to take off the sound happened once more. All efforts to remain calm were lost. I looked over at the middle aged man sitting next to me to see if I might be able to make some comment and have something reassuring said in reply. Instead I got a brush off as he returned to reading his men’s magazine. I glanced down to see what he was reading. The article featured a photo of a man’s cut torso from neck to just below the hipbone. From either side of his chest a woman’s well-manicured hands were caressing his body. The accompanying article was explaining how to get the abs women swoon over, which apparently took precedent over acknowledging the person in the seat next to him.
That’s all it took. My judging mind was out of the gate and sprinting down the track. Here was this jerk face who was happy to objectify women but not talk to them, he has a wedding ring his poor wife must be so lonely, I bet he has a female assistant and he is a jerk to her too, a Guy Like That has never known anything but privilege, and how much time each day is spent working on his body while his poor mind is left unexamined, reading this magazine he is just grooming himself to perpetuate the hurt in our culture….
And on and on. At least the judging sprint kept me somewhat distracted from takeoff.
Learn To Fly
Once in the air and settled into a good book I could feel the worry begin to fade out of my body and mind. And with this receding of worry there seemed to be a corresponding pulling back out from my myopic concern with myself to see things a little more clearly. I was coming home from a trip that had been hard for me. Here we all were on the plane, coming or going somewhere that is taking us out of our daily routines. It occurred to me that walking through the airport I must have seen someone who was preoccupied with concern for a loved one who was very ill. Or perhaps they in fact were the one who had just been given a scary diagnosis. Or perhaps they were feeling the pain of loving someone who can’t love them back. I felt my heart soften a bit. How many people we see every day – at the grocery store, the bank – and we walk past each other completely unaware of when someone might be awash with grief or fear or loneliness. How easy it is to see someone’s outsides and think we know something about their insides. What funny illusions exist between the space of what we can see of someone’s external being and their internal experience.
And yes. Then I made the connection – although much more slowly than you might expect. I didn’t know the first thing about the guy next to me. Maybe he just lost the love of his life, maybe reading a men’s magazine is his moment of escape, maybe he really is preoccupied with having a perfect body in which case I only have sympathy for him also being hurt by our culture. The only thing I can know for certain is that I will never know his story, but I know he is a human with a beating heart and that should be enough for me to see him with my heart soft and my mind clear of assumptions.
Epilogue: Don’t Mix the Paint
I could stop writing here, but there is an epilogue to this post. I knew I was experiencing more unpleasant emotions than usual and it was a rookie move to not be frequently checking in and asking myself what I was feeling. Bringing awareness to my emotional experiences would have let me see my situation with more clarity. By the time I looked at that man’s magazine, I had at least a dozen emotionally charged experiences coloring my perceptions. I could have been aware of the dozen different colors in my painting that day. Instead it was as if all the colors had just blended together into a dull brown haze. In this haze I became stuck in my own story.
It can be so tempting to ignore feelings when they are unpleasant. But it is precisely these moments when it is most important to check in with yourself. Stop and take a slow breathe. What do you feel in your body? That thoughts are in your mind? Pull out a list of emotions if you need to (anyone who works with me knows I do this all the time in my practice). And then? Don’t judge. Don’t push the feeling away – that’s a futile effort anyway. Instead slow down for a few minutes and give yourself some company. Perhaps try saying Sylvia Bornstein’s compassionate phrase to yourself: “Sweetheart, you are in pain. Relax. Take a breath. Let’s pay attention to what is happening. Then we’ll figure out what to do.” (I highly recommend you read this full explanation of that phrase.) See the color for what it is, and know that it can just be there. Many more colors are yet to come.
Hong Kong Court Allows Trans Woman to Marry
May 13, 2013
Smile File, part deux
April 29, 2013
Completely unrelated to my earlier post, I just came across this little guy today. So adorable my toes ache watching this!
Smile File*
April 29, 2013
Interspecies Love and Christian the Lion
Have you seen this one already? It makes me feel all sorts of positive emotions every time I see it. But be warned if you haven’t seen this before – yes, you may smile but you may also feel your heart swell with love and compassion and awe. Eyes have been known to get leaky.
We are just one note in the vast harmony of existence but the grind of our daily lives can leave us only hearing our lone tune. Well-being rests upon the wisdom that we are part of something much greater. One of the surest ways for me to add some positive experiences to my day – and to help me remember that my note is just one in billion zillion – is to see a story about connection between species. It almost feels like these stories get processed differently in my brain – bypassing my often annoyingly active reason mind and going straight to the seat of wisdom and compassion.
One mention about the tortoise and young hippo becoming friends or a quick look through this tumblr page and my mind relaxes a bit, comforted in remembering that life is so much more complicated, interconnected, and full of wonder than we will ever be able to see with just our eyes alone. This story about Christian the Lion is one of my favorites.
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*To learn about the benefits of introducing positive emotions into our everyday lives, visit Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s lab webpage. This is just one small example. Please remember. I am not suggesting to ignore uncomfortable emotions. We need them too! What I am suggesting is that we can seek out experiences that might add a smile, even when we are in pain.
Frances Ulman, Ph.D. 